Lost my path, lost my way

[Marnamber]

I've ended a relationship almost 5 years ago, today, I'm waiting to re-encounter with this person (maybe).
I have a gf now, we've been dating for more than 4 years. But still I think in my ex. In certain way, but different, I'm still fond to her.

During that time i didn't do my mourning, and I'm articulating everything what happened in my past relationship while I'm living my actual.
Struggling with many thoughts. Angry with myself, stuck in the past and I cannot move forward.

The same mechanism goes with my father, a complete dumbass who was hurting me and my family, I kicked his ass out of the house 4 years ago. And never seen him again.

I have lucid and vivid dreams.. Among these years I've revived this moments in my dreams and in my deepest memories. Yesterday (due to excitement I believe, i've dreamed with my ex, and the day before yestarday, i dreamed with my father again)

I'm sad, cause I cannot move forward, my life is preety simple. But my emotional world is so vast that overhelms me. Rage, anger... powerful emotions that although I know they just poison my being, my health, are present daily.

All the time I spend thinking in this, all the energy, could be used for studying, playing, hanging out, focusing on my present and my future. But I still cannot.

I'm 22, preety mature, but I know I'm still a kid that has plenty to learn about life... I still can't figure out, what the hell is wrong with me.

[Spike]

Maybe nothing is wrong with you my friend.

Having to kick your dad out of the house at 18 is a big load for you to have to deal with. I am guessing this did not just happen overnight, so to grow up with a father like that can be some big shit.
Give yourself a little break for doing the right thing..

Think of how things would have been if he was allowed to stick around and cause shit.

As soon as you become "at ease" with knowing you did the right thing, all else in life will start to fall into place.

Just a thought..

[Robbie Hogg]

Definitely nothing wrong with you mate. I've been through a similar experience in my past which revolved around alcohol, I've had the dreams too. Have woken myself up in the middle of the night from screaming out at the person involved to F#$^ Off and it happened on many occasions. Because of the past I've found myself in bad relationships, in a bad group of people and starting to go down a very dark path.

The dreams are just the subconscious minds way of dealing with it and working through it. I was around your age when it was all at it's worst. Recognising what you are going through is a good thing because it allows you the opportunity to see the path your don't want to go down and gives you the choice to make decisions that will benefit yourself and your future.

One of the techniques that helped me get a lot of things off my chest, was to write a letter to the person involved, this letter will never be sent so you can be as raw, honest and blunt as you need to be, once you have spent time writing it, put it somewhere safe place where no one can find it and leave it there for a week, then once a week has passed go back and read it, add to it if you need to, really feel your way through it, grieve, let your feelings flow and release, once you are done, burn the letter as a symbol of release and bury it in the ground as a symbol of closure.
If needed you can repeat this process as many times as you need to, different subjects, people etc. The heaviness of it all does start to lift over time.

Another piece of advise is to not let your past navigate your future, you have the choice to create the future you want and don't let anyone tell you what you can't do, believe in yourself.
Hope this helps, it does get better over time.

[omrhythm]

There's nothing wrong with you Martin. Its part of being human. We all have emotional crap that burdens us, just some more difficult than others.

I suggest the following techniques or solutions to help your emotional turmoil, and I speak to myself when I remind myself of these techniques (that I should use them myself but do not as often as I should!):

1. YOGA. This always helps my emotional state, with added benefits of feeling good and healthy!
2. Talk therapy, either psychotherapy and with psychologist. This step can sometimes make you tell yourself that THERE IS something wrong with you. Talk therapy is normal, and there is nothing wrong or to feel ashamed about by using it. While it is also helpful to write a letter that is never sent, in using talk therapy you can have a person on the other side who can help ease the processing of the emotions.
3. EFT: the Emotional Freedom Technique. Use google and find it. There are videos on youtube. It is a simple process that uses a combination of pressure points on the body and positive affirmations that really help to calm and balance the emotions.
4. A baseball bat and a large metal drum (not a handpan!!). Swing to your heart's content!! One of my favorites.
5. Dig a garden.

That's all I've got for now.

Don't forget that YOU are NOT your thoughts, either asleep or awake. But your thoughts can affect your emotions, and thus your life. Meditate your thoughts away!

Peace to you and to All

OM

[GotHang]

4. A baseball bat and a large metal drum (not a handpan!!). Swing to your heart's content!! One of my favorites.

Aluminum bat and a heavy bag is awesome for something very specific - to release all the anger for the simple purpose of realizing that there's less there than you think there is.

This is going to get a bit weird and personal, but overall in society there is a dissuasion of violence and anger. This is generally a good thing, but there can be repercussions on a person to 'fear their anger and aggression'. So, go ahead and use a bat to whallop the heck out of something to allow that anger and aggression to manifest, and you'll find it's not a bottomless pit of anger/hate/sorrow but is much less than you may have feared.

That being said, there is some valuable research that shows that getting violent and angry can foster the habit of getting violent and angry, so don't make a habit out of it.

=)

[Marnamber]

Thank you guys for taking your time. That day I really needed to take it out from my chest.

I'm still struggling a bit though.

That letter "therapy"... gosh, I understand where it goes. But, i have this sensation that I dunno want to just deliver it to no one. In fact, I would like to deliver them . Besides that, just the idea to write down all that feelings makes me uncomfortable, but I know that getting out of this "comfort zone" can be a key.

I've been thinking too much already, just to let you know, I deeply, deeply appreciate all your words. Besides I don't know you, seen your faces, or ever heard your voices (but I did hear many of your souls speaking through metal sculptures )... Thank you. Thank you to let me know, that someway, just by writing down a sentence, it's because you wanted to share you experience or even you cared a little. Now, THAT is a community. I'm happy of being part of it.

[poan]

Try keep your sprirts up brother, sometimes we all get lost and a little troubled within our own minds, it is a vast and infinite world in there afterall. It's nice that you chose to share this with us an even though we have never met etc we are still all connected, living and breathing together in this magnificent universe.
'emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds'
I hope you find peace friend.

[Imagineye]

My mantra is, "Chaos is the harbinger of change....".....

This means that we all go through times of chaos, but don't recognize that this is merely a transition period. Thus we concentrate on the chaos that we are going through and don't totally accept or understand the change..... and perhaps fight the change we need to go through to end the chaos.

For me, this is a matter of acceptance of circumstances at hand and allowing myself to progress into a new state of being. In your case, to let go of the old relationship and to let go of the chaos that your father caused in your life. I know it is simpler to read and say this, as opposed to acting upon it and believing it. But to understand it at this level is the first step to moving forward. To recognize that these feelings won't be permanent.

Try to accept the changes in your life and see what is being presented in it to replace what it is you are leaving behind. There often is something in our lives already there to move on to. We just don't recognize it most of the time. Learn to recognize those things and appreciate them.

I don't know if this helps you in any way... perhaps it is just gibberish. But it has helped me through my hard times to recognize that the chaos I am in, isn't permanent. It is merely passing from one stage in my life to another........

[neuron]

That letter "therapy"... gosh, I understand where it goes. But, i have this sensation that I dunno want to just deliver it to no one. In fact, I would like to deliver them .

You will be surprised at how much relief you will feel after burning the letter. (And really, no good at all would come of delivering such a letter) It's like burning it makes some room for everything else to shift. Try it and see.